I Am One With Snails

How do you begin to tell the story of a relationship so profound, so life-changing that you find yourself changed on a cellular level? Something that has overcome your very soul to the point that you no longer know where It ends and You begin? This is the challenge I face with this post as I endeavor to tell you of my new love for … wait for it … SNAIL MUCIN!


COSRX Advanced Snail 92 All In One Cream and Mizon Multi Function Formula Snail Repair Eye Cream

Straight up, I will be talking mostly about the COSRX right now as it is the product that has so deeply impacted my very being. The eye cream is okay, but because I tried it at the same time as the COSRX, I daresay it pales in comparison. It becomes a little MEH.

First thing we should get out of the way—what is snail mucin? What does the 92 mean in the name? Does it mean every jar contains 92 teeny tiny snail kisses? Or possibly 92 itsy bitsy footprints? Pull yourself together, woman—snails don’t have feet! You can’t live in this state of denial. Snail mucin is snail slime, and it is GLORIOUS. The COSRX Advanced Snail 92  contains 92% of this beautiful substance.


The second thing I want to say is something I haven’t seen mentioned. As I am the cattiest of cosmeticians, I feel it’s my job to be totally honest. When you open the jar you should be prepared for the rather … um … okay, imma say it. It looks like semen. If this puts you off then check yourself. It’s so worth it. There is a whole world of semen-like snail slime products out there that you will miss out on if you can’t come to terms with this.

Upon application, some might find it a little, well, slimy. This was something I had read a few times so I expected it. The product does absorb incredibly quickly though, much more so than I had expected. Once it does is when the magic happens!

Upon first application of the COSRX Advanced Snail 92 the difference was noticeable. Both my roommate and myself immediately talked about how soft our skin felt. Seriously, we may have looked a little nuts as we sat watching TV while stroking our faces. This hasn’t stopped at all. I am still touching my face constantly and it legit feels like the butt of a baby! And it looks like, well, not the BUTT of a baby. More like the glowing skin you had when you were but a toddler. Actually, mine is probably better than when I was a kid. I have eczema, lots of allergies, let’s not discuss.

Let’s get to specifics—3 days and my eye krinkles are definitely minimized and most importantly my skin looks so HEALTHY! I never really knew what glowing skin was until now. My best friend actually looked at me and said, “You have Korean skin!” Are you kidding me? There is no bigger compliment. And she does too!

We smeared snail slime on our faces and have never been more grateful for something that comes out of an animal’s butt!

Two more points in favor of this miracle cream. There is absolutely no scent whatsoever. Also, it is known to be amazing for acne scars. I can’t speak to this directly as it isn’t one of my many issues. I believe it though! I think this cream can do anything. I think it might just be enough to make Trump sane and solve global warming.

You must try it. Don’t let the semen-ness turn you off. Or on, whatever, I won’t kink shame here.

Until next time, MEOW!






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